Short Answer
If a spouse has clearly abandoned the marriage and refuses reconciliation, it is biblically permissible to move forward with divorce. However, the most important priority is first making sure your own relationship with God is genuine and restored.
The Overview
When a spouse leaves the marriage and shows no willingness to reconcile, it creates a painful and confusing situation. The Bible addresses this through the principle of abandonment, particularly in 1 Corinthians 7. If one partner refuses to live in the marriage and has effectively moved on, the other is not required to remain indefinitely in a state of uncertainty.
Reconciliation always requires two willing people. If one spouse completely withdraws—cutting off communication, refusing counseling, and building a separate life—then the marriage is no longer functioning as intended. In such cases, the call is to pursue peace, not endless waiting or forced restoration.
At the same time, personal reflection is important. Acknowledging past mistakes and taking responsibility for one’s actions is part of growth and healing. However, even when there have been failures, a spouse’s continued refusal to engage or reconcile still falls under abandonment if they persist in separation.
Above all, the central issue is your relationship with God. Before moving forward into new relationships or decisions, it is essential to understand true repentance and faith. Being grounded in a genuine relationship with Christ and connected to a strong church community will provide the guidance, support, and clarity needed for the next steps in life.
Key Takeaways
- Abandonment Is a Biblical Category
A spouse who refuses reconciliation may release the other. - Reconciliation Requires Two People
One person cannot restore a marriage alone. - Pursue Peace, Not Endless Waiting
You are not required to remain in limbo indefinitely. - Acknowledge Personal Responsibility
Growth includes recognizing past mistakes. - Spiritual Foundation Comes First
Ensure your relationship with God is genuine. - Seek Community and Guidance
A strong church support system is essential.
Transcript:
[00:00:01 – 00:01:07] Hi, Pastor Mike. Can you hear me? >> I can. >> Hey, I had a question about um about marriage. So, the question is about um my wife left our marital home like 6 months ago and um it was a surprise and a shock. Um I didn’t expect it and she took, you know, car, dog, personal belongings and said it was going to be for a little time. Um, but she took everything and it’s been 6 months and we were already having problems financially. And so I I paid rent for like 3 4 months until I had to uh move
[00:00:33 – 00:01:32] states um to survive. And um I haven’t heard anything from her and she’s kind of started her own new life and just posting on social media all the time and kind of acting like I’m the one that that left her or something like that. And I guess without getting into all the details, my just question is um uh about divorce and abandonment and if I’m just supposed to kind of wait forever or is it wrong if I get a divorce? And I just I don’t I just don’t know what to do. I think the problem is I’m not really
[00:01:03 – 00:02:02] focused right now on being patient and and and seeing what the Lord has. I think I’m just kind of like getting lonely and trying to figure out how I can move on. So I just kind of need a little advice. Well, if if her reason, which you haven’t stated clearly, I don’t know what her reason is. If if you would put it in a sense, if I run into her, you know, today at the the shopping center and I say, “Hey, you’re you’re not with your original husband. Why not? What would she say? What’s her excuse?”
[00:01:33 – 00:02:31] So, we did have some arguments and fights and then through over the years there was some times where I I was just yelling and angry and I had um you know punched a wall in the home and so um unfortunately those are things that happened and um the months before she left nothing nothing like that happened but those were her reasons why. Okay. >> And I don’t know if that she was holding on to that but she would say it’s it’s for her safety. Okay. Um, so she also like took all of my firearms and
[00:02:02 – 00:02:58] everything like that as saying I didn’t feel safe and stuff like that, but it didn’t make sense to me because, you know, I had a concealed carry license there in Orange County and she was happy that I had it, you know, the first few months before she left. So, this was kind of all unseen. But that was her reason. She was saying, “I don’t I don’t feel safe.” And we actually met a few weeks after she left with pastors um you know at a church and she came a few times and you know she just wasn’t
[00:02:30 – 00:03:21] really willing to like reconcile or talk about anything and she’s just not really willing to to talk to me at all. >> Right. >> And so I definitely know that there’s things that I did in the marriage that that made her feel a certain way. Um, but unfortunately, even through all the pastors and everything, she she won’t talk to me over the phone. Um, she won’t text me. Um, >> okay. >> And I just I don’t know what to do. >> Well, I I think this is a classic case.
[00:02:56 – 00:03:57] Well, let me assume one more thing and make you state it, though. I’m assuming you talk about getting counsel at a church. You are a professing Christian, a born again regenerate follower of Christ. Is that right? So right now the honesty about that is I don’t I don’t think that I am. You know, I’ve I’ve gone to Compass Bible Church in in another city there. And, you know, I I professed to be a Christian in 2012 and then I came to Compass Bible Church a few years later and um realized I
[00:03:26 – 00:04:22] wasn’t and I got baptized at Compass Bible Church and then I found myself a year or two later going back into sin and then I thought I repented again. And so I was baptized twice at Compass Bible Church, but then um sin has just been such a part of my life where I I know now that um I’m not truly a believer. And I’ve been seeking God and trying to understand, you know, what real repentance is going to look like for me now because there’s been many times where I thought I I thought I really
[00:03:54 – 00:04:54] truly repented and it ended up that um I wanted things more than God and maybe I was coming to God for things um rather than for him. And so right now I would say uh I’m seeking God but I’m not you know truly repented I would say. >> Okay. Well I appreciate the honesty in that and certainly we can come to Christ for all the wrong reasons. And what we need to do is you know obviously to me that’s the paramount issue but you’ve called about this other secondary issue. And I would say even though you might
[00:04:24 – 00:05:26] say I’m not there where I need to be spiritually, the principle of abandonment from 1 Corinthians 7 certainly applies. And and here is a gal that wants nothing to do with you and the rationale is based on something that you know every marriage can can point to issues in in the distant past. And if there’s no rationality to that, then I do think, you know, if you want God’s direction on this, uh 1 Corinthians 7:15, you’re called to peace. You can’t make uh reconciliation with a gal
[00:04:55 – 00:05:45] doesn’t want it. And if I were here with my experience talking to the both of you or talking to her alone, I would assume there’s another guy that has emboldened her uh to to step out of this relationship. There’s some something there. And so, she doesn’t want to make peace. If you can’t make peace with her, right, then you should be at peace and you should be willing to protect your assets and to step out of this relationship based on that principle. But of course, in all of that, I would
[00:05:20 – 00:06:05] say yes, if you’re going to move forward and you’re going to finalize a divorce or initiate the divorce or whatever it might be because you got a gal that won’t live with you and she’s on with her second life now, uh, I’m still going to say what you need and you know I’m going to say this is to make sure you understand what real repentance and faith is. And then you you plug in and you dive in. And there’s no way to do this on your own. You’ve got to be plugged in. And I don’t know which Bible
[00:05:43 – 00:06:38] Compass Bible Church you went to, but but get to the closest Bible teaching church you can and dive in and be there so your faith can be fortified by regular preaching, regular fellowship, and you have people that can help you through this new period of your life. But, you know, it takes two to tango and and as they say, you got to have two people that are willing to be married. If you got one that won’t be reconciled, then you have no choice here but to move on, especially if you haven’t done
[00:06:10 – 00:06:55] anything to protect your assets. If there’s no kind of legal separation, uh you should concern yourself with that. Shouldn’t shouldn’t be able to take your your weapons from you, unless of course it’s under a a court order or something. And then they have to prove that she really is in fear, which it sounds to me, at least by the way you’ve said it, John, you’re not threatening her. You’re not trying to hurt her. You’ve never, you know, threatened to to to shoot her.
[00:06:32 – 00:07:21] Well, then she needs to be called to account to an account. And the account is if you’re not willing to be my wife and you’re going to go off and start your own life, then I’ve got to I’ve got to move on here with mine because there’s nothing she’s going to allow you to do to reconcile. And that is the principle of 1 Corinthians chapter 7. And you can apply that principle even as a non-Christian and say, “Well, this this is the kind of peace I’m called to in a marital relationship and I can look
[00:06:56 – 00:07:53] forward.” But as that passage ends, it’s talking to Christians and says, “Well, now you should remarry, but only in the Lord. And before you try to date or marry a Christian, you better make sure that you are right with God.” And so, I just plead with you, as I’m sure all of our listeners who are genuine Christians are going to plead with you and pray for you now to uh to get back into the uh the body of Christ and and make sure you’re certain about where you stand with Jesus Christ. And I know people
[00:07:25 – 00:08:15] well enough to know who are Christians in church, they’re going to welcome you back with open arms. So, uh, John, this is a hard situation. I do think the principles of a gal who refuses to live with you is something I would reiterate for your situation, even if you’re not there spiritually as you know you need to be. And then that, let’s get that taken care of before you ever get back on the freeways in Southern California and risk your life. Time for you to get right with with the living God.
[00:07:50 – 00:08:43] >> Does that help, John? >> Thank you, pastor. >> Okay. Thank you, Pastor Mike. I do appreciate your help. >> Okay, John, keep keep at it. A lot of lot of our listeners are going to pray for you right now. >> Right now, >> 877-913-5357 do a lot of heavy lifting on this program with real lives, uh, real families, real conflicts, uh, real problems. And if you’ve got one and I can be of some help, I know it’s just a few minutes at a time, but if I can point you back to God’s word and we can
[00:08:16 – 00:08:39] deal with the issues in a way that will shed some biblical light, I’d love to do that. 877-913-5357. Let’s go to Laura. Laura, you’re on the air with Mike Farees. How can I help?
