Short Answer
If your spouse is not giving, you cannot force them—but you can continue to give faithfully yourself and pray for their heart. Over time, your example of generosity may influence them more than arguments will.
The Overview
When one spouse is committed to giving and the other is not, it can create tension and frustration. However, this issue often goes deeper than just giving—it reflects a person’s relationship with money. A reluctance to give is frequently connected to fear, control, or an excessive focus on financial security. Because of this, the situation is not just practical but spiritual.
In marriage, there are limits to what one spouse can change in the other. You cannot force generosity or create conviction in someone’s heart. Instead, your role is to remain faithful in your own actions. If you are able to give, continue doing so with a joyful and generous spirit, trusting that God sees and honors your obedience.
At the same time, your life becomes a powerful example. Consistent generosity—both in church giving and in everyday life—demonstrates a different relationship with money. Over time, this can influence your spouse more effectively than repeated conversations or pressure. A visible, lived-out example often speaks louder than words.
Prayer is also essential. Ask God to work in your spouse’s heart, bringing conviction and transformation. Change in this area is ultimately a work of God, not human persuasion. As you remain faithful, patient, and prayerful, you trust that God will work in His time and in His way.
Key Takeaways
- You Cannot Force Change
Giving must come from the heart. - Continue Your Own Faithfulness
Give generously as you are able. - Generosity Reflects the Heart
It reveals one’s relationship with money. - Lead by Example
Your actions can influence more than words. - Pray for Transformation
Only God can change a person’s heart. - Avoid Creating Conflict
Don’t let this issue divide your home.
Transcript
[00:00:00 – 00:01:35] How can I help? >> Well, um I um I was I I have a question. My husband I I like at church. Um I I give I’ve faithfully given for for years. Um my husband has never been a giver at church, >> you know, doing tithing. Not really tithing, but it’s giving. M >> um and I guess I just I’ve talked to him about it, expressed that I think it’s a sin of uh omission that you know God calls us, commands us to do that. Um and it doesn’t seem to phase him um to it just doesn’t there’s no there’s no I
[00:00:48 – 00:01:46] pray all the time that God will convict him of that sin. the Holy Spirit would work in him in that. Um, and I just, um, you know, the Lord year over year continues to bless him in his job and, you know, uh, provides, you know, great income for him every year. And, um, I don’t know. I just I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what else to do. >> Well, there’s two two aspects to this. Let me start with the last one. And that is what is his relationship with money? I mean, number one, you’ve said he’s he
[00:01:17 – 00:02:19] does well in his job, and that that’s that’s good, but what how does he feel about money? What does he think about money? Does he seem like he’s overly concerned about his retirement plan and how his portfolio is performing and what kind of bonus he’s going to get? Or is it just like, I don’t care. I don’t think about it much, and he just works hard, puts his head down, and the paychecks come. Or does he does he focus a lot on his income or his money or his spending? Um, I would say he focuses on that quite
[00:01:46 – 00:02:51] a bit. Okay. But he is one that, >> uh, I would say he’s very tightfisted with his hand when it comes to money. Um, he does not, >> um, he doesn’t spend a lot of money. Yeah. Um, he >> um >> likes to save it. >> Almost a hoarder, maybe. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Almost has a hoarder mentality. He doesn’t trust banks. He doesn’t trust, you know, what he just um >> Well, that’s huge. >> That that’s telling, by the way, and with that last line, he doesn’t trust
[00:02:21 – 00:03:24] banks. When I’ve got someone like that, I I think, okay, there there is there’s quite a bit of focus on money. Ecclesiastes 5 talks about people like your husband who God is blessed and they have money, but they’re not given they’re not given the the ability to enjoy it. They they constantly and it’s a very strong Hebrew word. They fix their eyes on it. And and that I I think it it primarily means they they don’t want to lose a dime of it. They’re very concerned about it. They’re very
[00:02:53 – 00:03:51] fastidious about their money. They they it be it brings them uh almost a uh you know more struggle. Like if you doubled my bank accounts right now uh by God’s grace, I’m not bragging, but I’m I’m like I’d be like, “Okay, whatever.” Right? I I don’t I don’t I don’t invest very well. I don’t care much about it and I I’ve tried to based on how I was raised and my parents were good and by God’s grace I I don’t think much about it. I matter of fact I said this morning
[00:03:22 – 00:04:14] and dealing with some budget issues at the church I just hate I hate the whole thing. I wish we didn’t have to deal with it deal with it and it’s it’s not something I fix my eyes on. Uh, so I have to work at trying to be, you know, focus on it enough to make sure everything’s going well. But I also know in scripture, if I’m generous, God is always going to supply. And that’s the neat thing about Ecclesiastes 5, starting in verse 10, that whole section reminds us how, you know, if we if we
[00:03:48 – 00:04:53] don’t fix on money or as it’s put in 1 Timothy 6, if we’re not trying to always build our wealth, right, then then God is so happy to to provide as it says in in in in 1 Corinthians to to give us seed for sewing and and and and bread for eating. He he’s going to supply what we need. And my concern is when I have someone who fixates on money and doesn’t give. I know some people that fixate on money but they give. But to them that that’s that’s an exercise of their muscle which helps them break that
[00:04:20 – 00:05:14] fixation on their on their money. And uh that the people that worry about money are not going to be the generous people. They’re not going to be the giving people. And the Bible holds out so many promises that he loves cheerful givers. He loves people that refresh others. And God refreshes them. If you give to someone, it’s like you’re lending to their maker. I mean, these are great passages that remind us that what God loves, just like someone who is kind or someone who is evangelistic, he loves
[00:04:48 – 00:05:46] someone who’s generous. And your husband is not a generous man. He’s only generous to himself. And if he doubled his income, he’d think about ways to protect it all. And instead of what? Wow, I got more opportunities to be generous. So, this is a character issue and and and it’s an issue of spiritual growth that you need to be praying for in his life. But to get back to the initial question, Laura, you can’t as a wife uh do much about it other than pray, right? Because if you say, here’s
[00:05:17 – 00:06:06] one thing I would say is a good deal. He’s letting you give. I’m assuming you’re not doing that on the on the down low, right? He knows you’re giving something, right? I don’t know if you’re employed as well. >> Says I’m giving. We have I um our money is we keep our money separate. >> Okay. >> So whatever I get that was his he wanted that when we got married. So that’s what I agreed to. I don’t agree with it but >> yeah even that right.
[00:05:42 – 00:06:39] >> Yep. >> I give all mine and he knows that. But you know >> Yeah. >> Well I get it and and such um yeah you’re painting a great picture for me to see even more clearly just in my dealing with people for four decades. I I I see how people operate as it relates to money. Such a powerful force. So if he’s done that se he’s sequestered his money from your money and you then are giving and he’s not narcing you for that. He’s not saying you can’t give.
[00:06:10 – 00:07:07] Then continue to do what you’re doing and know that he is your husband. And unfortunately, it’s like you being uh someone who likes to pick the trash up and do the laundry and keep the house clean, but he’s one who likes to throw his stuff on the ground. You’re never going to have a tidy house when you have one member of the household that’s not tidy. And you’re not going to have a generous household if you got one partner in this marriage relationship that’s not generous. But you can do what you can do
[00:06:38 – 00:07:32] to be a generous Christian and God will take care of you. And in his life, what you need to do is to pray. Now, I’ve had it the other way around where the wife is is the one you’re describing as your husband and the husband is the one that’s calling in. And and this was I think of a meeting that this guy had made. I actually brought his wife in and I challenged her. Hey, do you have everything you want? Do you have everything you need? Has your husband ever withheld? No. No. No. No, no, no.
[00:07:05 – 00:07:59] Okay, great. I said, then you need to stop complaining about his giving and you need to rejoice in his giving because all the things that you have that a lot of women don’t have is because he’s a generous man and God responds to generous people and he’s providing well for your household. Now, here’s a situation where I could in I could push because of him as the head of the household. In your case, I think first Peter 3, which I’m sure you’ve read lots of when you have situations
[00:07:32 – 00:08:21] like this, right? You can pray and by your example, maybe you’ll win him over as he watches you, not really care about money because that we shouldn’t put too much effort into it. We should be good stewards of it, but you’re not going to fixate on it. You’re going to be able to enjoy what you will not according to Ecclesiastes 5. And I think there’s going to be u something in in the influence you’ll have as a giver. Be generous. Even when it comes to things you’re going to do together, you’re
[00:07:57 – 00:08:54] going to go to a baby shower, you’re going to go to somebody’s birthday, you know, and he would give $25 gift certificate or whatever, you you you pre always press that. Be like, “Hey, I would like to give more. I want to be more generous.” Not just with your giving at church, but however you can be generous. Show your generosity. It’s a virtue. And at some point, right, God is going to, I hope, provoke him. If he’s a regenerate man, he’s going to be provoked to jealousy that you’re doing
[00:08:25 – 00:09:16] what God’s asked you to do. And God loves your giving and your generosity. And I hope at one point 10 years from now, he’s going to say, “Man, I really learn to be generous because my wife is a generous lady.” And I’ll tell you what, from my perspective, there are few things that are more, I don’t know, laudable, certainly as a parent, than when I see my kids being generous, right? There’s nothing more attractive to me than a than a generous man, a generous woman, a generous person. I
[00:08:50 – 00:09:44] mean, to me, I think that’s that’s a wonderful thing, a beautiful thing. But someone that’s counting their pennies and hunching over their pile of cash and, you know, they’re always concerned about the bottom line, that is that’s an ugly trait. And so, he I hope will see the beauty of your generosity. Keep at it. You’re not going to have a, you know, a family meeting and and call him on the carpet like he might have done with you at the the role’s been reversed, but keep being generous. Keep
[00:09:17 – 00:10:08] praying for him. And I think when you read passages of scripture like 1 Timothy 6 or Ecclesiastes 5, uh you’re going to say, “Hey, you know, these are things I can pray even more specifically. Pray these scriptures for my husband.” And uh you know, God will take care of you. You’re going to be fine. Just keep doing the right thing and live uh live openly and generously uh until it creates some argument. Then you’re going to have to back down a little bit because you don’t want to uh
[00:09:43 – 00:09:52] you don’t want to make this a point of contention in your home.
